you have gone so effortlessly.

I miss him. Even as I type this, tears are streaming down my face. Thinking about how things used to be makes this so much harder. He was the only man in my life for as long as I can remember. My best friend, my therapist, my everything. My dad was my very own personal superhero. He saved me so many times, he tried his hardest to make sure that I grew up knowing that I was loved. We would go on camping trips, play with the dogs, swim... He would volunteer in my elementary classes every Tuesday. He was so involved in my life. He spoiled me. He treated me like his princess. He ALWAYS put me first.

BUT, life happened. I'm lucky if I get to talk to him two or three times a month. And I'm partially to blame. I let stupid things come between us and I fear that I will never have that same relationship with him. My heart feels, broken almost. I know I'm known for being a bit dramatic when it comes to saying how I feel, but I feel like I've lost a part of me. That half of me is gone, that the first 12-15 years of my life are gone. The memories will never fade and call me selfish, but I would love to make more. I want to have that closeness with him again. I want him to be involved in my life again. I want him to be involved in my future, to be involved in my kids' lives. I want to be included in his life before the opportunity isn't there anymore.

I love my dad, all the memories we've made, and the life we had together. I miss the days that we would hang out, the days he'd be watching old movies. I will never forget how we would watch The Three Stooges and lay with the dogs on the floor. One memory I will never forget is so silly. I had gotten in trouble for something and my step-mom, Kris, thought I deserved to be spanked. My dad didnt agree. So he took me into my room, closed my door, laid me over his knee.... and slapped his knee to make it seem like he was spanking me. He told me to make my eyes red and stay in my room for a little bit to make it seem like he had really just spanked me. I laughed. And I know it is a silly memory, but it meant the world to me then.... and it stuck.

I'll never forget all my memories with my dad. All the times he came into my classes to help the teacher. How when Nikki would call, she would just ask him if she could come over and surprise me by jumping in the pool. How he would wake me up to go night swimming, how we would go camping... and how he would always rescue me when I would get stuck climbing a rock. I remember how every time we would go over the railroad tracks he would tell me to "hold on to your nipples!" How when I was into marbles and knockers, he thought I was talking about the other kind of knockers, how every time he would pick me up from my mom's; he would buy me a barbie or a dress for church.

However, it isnt healthy to live in the past. That said, I'm moving on... and I plan to take my dad with me. I plan to include him more in my life. To talk to him as much as I can. To love him for who he is, not what has come between us. I promise to not dwell in the past, to not focus on anything else negative. I promise to be the daughter I once was, reguardless of all else. I promise to make my father a priority, to make him see how much I love him. I want to make him see how much I miss him, how much I love him, and finally, how much I want him in my life as a major role.

So here it goes. Wish me luck. Saying it is one thing, but actually following through is another. I'm going to do this. For me. For my personal mental health. For him. For our relationship. I love you dad, I hope you know that I always will... unconditionally.

I was going through an old box filled with old papers and pictures and came across letters that I had written to my dad, I will re-type it here as I leave you with these thoughts. Love your parents, love them with all your heart, and dont take them for granted... because you never know where your or their life is going to go.

*On a side note: please know that I wrote this when I was around 7 and that I corrected the spelling to make it easier to read.*

Dear Daddy,

I think you're a "Super Babo" because you... help me with my homework, you feed me, you're the bomb! Thank you for everything in my life. You're my number one. I love you! Thank you for teaching me right and wrong. Thank you for teaching me about God and thank you for taking me to church. Thank you for being there when I need you. Thank you for being funny. Thank you for working in my class. I dedicate this day to you because you are VERY speical.

Love Your Daughter,

Danielle Willems