not part of the river anymore...

i am now seperated from the river-- going against the flow of things. im not doing things that i dont want to do, no matter who pressures me into things. i will not be put into uncomfortable situations and be okay with it. i apologize for ruining some peoples plans, but i cant give in and do something i dont want to do. let me explain:

lately, i have felt like there has some issues between me and a friend of mine. when we first started hanging out, things were great. now theres something coming between that, and i fear that we are both letting it happen. and i blame half of it on me. because if im correct, it takes two to tango... and were both stepping on each others feet, quite a bit.

in past friendships, i have been left for a boy. numerous times actually. its never a good feeling to be left for dead. for some reason, im really protective of this friendship.. and theres a boy coming into the situation, meaning my guard is up full force.

after conversing with two of the people that help me more than they know, i have been asking myself questions... and i think theres a lot that needs to be considered. like, is it jealousy? are we both letting this guy come between us? do we make it awkward because we know we arent happy with each other?

to me, all those questions have the same answer, YES. breaking it down, it really is quite simple.

im not jealous of the guy, at all. im jealous that im not getting the attention like she is. as selfish as it may seem, its true. we are both letting this guy come between us, not so much on purpose, but because of the whole ordeal, theres an uneasiness in the air. which leads to that not being happy with each other. im not happy because, im not a big fan of the guy. and shes not happy because im a beezie when anything has to do with him.

so maybe i blame myself for 66.6% of this mess. im jealous and dont like the guy shes interested in, causing friction.. and not the good kind. the other 33.3% is the fact that we let him come between us. no matter what we say to each other, we know its true.

this is what im going to do. im going to try and start to like this guy again, because we were once friends. and im going to stop being jealous of the attention, because i could get with a text message. as for letting this guy come between us, we'll have to work on this one together.

BUT i am going to continually say no to things that make me uncomfortable. i apologize that i might let her down, but i think its smarter to stay away from this relationship they have. i wish the best for them and pray to god that things dont change too much between this girl and i.

fingers crossed.

whats my age again?

i dont know whats wrong with me, seriously. i have issues. im jealous, insecure, and self-centered-- all at the same time. it makes me so mad that i feel the way that i do about all of these things. it also irritates me that im put in the position to feel this. makes me want to listen to death metal and throw a temper tantrum. but then i come back to myself and try to maintain some mental stability.. which i have learned, i have NONE of.

point being: i need help. i need to talk more about the issues than deny them. i need to stop feeling the way i do-- grow up and get over it. you know, start acting the age i am.

easier said than done. yikes.

love bites.

you know when something bites you.. and it itches horribly? then you scratch it and it just gets worse. and harder to not itch? well i have a couple of love bites and ive been scratching the scars a lot lately. ive always written down how i feel or things that stick in my head-- things that stand out in every day life.

as i was sitting on kaitlyns couch last night, watching grey's anatomy, i thought that i could go smoke and read a little of my past. so i took out my old journal and started to read i had written late last year. i started noticing a pattern..

everytime i had some interest in a boy, i wrote more. i had more things to say about how life was so good. when i read things like: "im going to marry that boy. all of him.." about three different boys, i realized: i have issues. but then the further i went, the more i read.

direct quotes from good ol text messages.

and thats when you could tell that i was in awe of someone. the one that got me the most was from a boy that i wasnt even with for 2 months, but as far as i was concerned, i was going to marry him. and if you were to read this journal, youd think he felt the same way.

"im not changing who i am with. its me and you til you cheat or break up with me..
cuz i deff dont plan on it."
OR
"so baby, you have me til the day i die."

i must admit, as i was reading that, i laughed. because that relationship didnt even last 2 months. talk about getting a head of ourselves. but as much as i wrote about him and the quotes back and forth were proof of taylor swifts newest song: fifteen.

"cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you;
you're going to believe it."

aint that the truth? anywho, thats the way the kettle boils. its been on my mind a lot lately. i really didnt get too much closure with some of these things, so in a way, i think this is what i was looking for. my own type of closure. sharing with the worldwide web that i have issues for cute boys that are professional sweet-talkers(: as for me and my bites, well.. there is such thing as anti-itch cream, so im lathering it on and never looking back on these entries.

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"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you're bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

-Mitch Albom

Tuesdays with Morrie

here's to optimism!

i must say that this life that i have been leading lately is shaping me into the person that i am meant to be. as i sit here, listening to a benny benassi track, i think about my life lately. its been non-stop, something i have always loved. no time to sleep, eat, or remember to breathe. just taking life as it comes. taking it all in, day by day.
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the other afternoon, kaitlyn and i went to stinson beach. there is real beauty there. the clean air surrounds you with breezes that make you want to sit next to a bonfire and roast marshmellows while listening to the waves crash on the rocks. i kid you not, this place is breath taking. i took a few pictures to capture the beauty, but the camera can harldy do this place justice. the green is so green, the sand was so soft. and the way the clouds surrounded and covered the sun, made the water look so much more calmer than how it really was.
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as kaitlyn and i were walking onto the beach from the parking lot, we saw some red, heart-shaped balloons in some sort of figure.. with different kinds of flowers weaved inside and out. as i looked at it, i thought to myself that i would love to have that someday. someone that would get up at 6 am to set something up like that, just to see me smile.
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throughout our time of being there, there were couples and more couples.. walking down the beach, holding hands and being genuinely happy. for the people that know me pretty well, they know that i love to watch and analyze people as they go about their ways of life. so kaitlyn and i sat on a washed out log and watched as people stopped and stared at the balloon display and walked passed us hand in hand. as i was watching the people and keeping a steady eye on the waves, i thought, "everyone who is here, looks completely satisfied with life. i think the whole human population needs to come here, so they can see real beauty."
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to be blunt, to say the least.. this blog was not meant to be about stinson beach. this blog started out to be something like this: i love my life, its so great. i am hardly ever home. i have the best friends that a girl could wish for... blahblahblah. i have noticed a difference in the way that i look at things lately. i tend to see more beauty than ugliness. i look for the good, inside of the bad.

happiness comes in the form of many things. and for me, stinson beach is one of my favorite forms. of course, this life isn't all sunny afternoons on the beach... theres the hard times, but i'd like to treasure the happiness and the memories it creates. in the past couple of months, i have grown so much more stonger (mentally) and can handle more than i thought possible. so here's to optimism and living life to the fullest!
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"I dreamed impossible dreams. And the dreams turned out beyond anything I could possibly imagine. You know, from my point of view, I'm the luckiest cat on the planet."
-Hugh Hefner