not part of the river anymore...

i am now seperated from the river-- going against the flow of things. im not doing things that i dont want to do, no matter who pressures me into things. i will not be put into uncomfortable situations and be okay with it. i apologize for ruining some peoples plans, but i cant give in and do something i dont want to do. let me explain:

lately, i have felt like there has some issues between me and a friend of mine. when we first started hanging out, things were great. now theres something coming between that, and i fear that we are both letting it happen. and i blame half of it on me. because if im correct, it takes two to tango... and were both stepping on each others feet, quite a bit.

in past friendships, i have been left for a boy. numerous times actually. its never a good feeling to be left for dead. for some reason, im really protective of this friendship.. and theres a boy coming into the situation, meaning my guard is up full force.

after conversing with two of the people that help me more than they know, i have been asking myself questions... and i think theres a lot that needs to be considered. like, is it jealousy? are we both letting this guy come between us? do we make it awkward because we know we arent happy with each other?

to me, all those questions have the same answer, YES. breaking it down, it really is quite simple.

im not jealous of the guy, at all. im jealous that im not getting the attention like she is. as selfish as it may seem, its true. we are both letting this guy come between us, not so much on purpose, but because of the whole ordeal, theres an uneasiness in the air. which leads to that not being happy with each other. im not happy because, im not a big fan of the guy. and shes not happy because im a beezie when anything has to do with him.

so maybe i blame myself for 66.6% of this mess. im jealous and dont like the guy shes interested in, causing friction.. and not the good kind. the other 33.3% is the fact that we let him come between us. no matter what we say to each other, we know its true.

this is what im going to do. im going to try and start to like this guy again, because we were once friends. and im going to stop being jealous of the attention, because i could get with a text message. as for letting this guy come between us, we'll have to work on this one together.

BUT i am going to continually say no to things that make me uncomfortable. i apologize that i might let her down, but i think its smarter to stay away from this relationship they have. i wish the best for them and pray to god that things dont change too much between this girl and i.

fingers crossed.